Posts Tagged ‘dreams’

Dreaming of You

In It's Only Words on 08/13/2012 at 17:33

Dream a little dream of you

I have always been prone to an especially sensitive imagination. One which when left to its own devices runs unabated, collecting every thought, fear and hope of mine and challenging me with a warped reflection of each.

It preys on  me when I am at my most susceptible, for example if  I am in a new place or have just encountered a trying experience. After I lost my grandfather, he visited me in dream-form twice in the weeks following his passing. The general sentiment of each dream indicated that he was happy and left me with a warm feeling each time. However, when my best and oldest friend of 18 years chose to end our relationship suddenly without a word of explanation, I watched her befall a tragic end in a plane crash that woke me with wracking sobs.

I know that my dreams are not necessarily based on fact, more that they pick up the fragments of my subconscious and amid the freedom of my sleeping state play out a version of how I’m feeling. Either revealing something my waking self is afraid of, behaving in a way I hope never to, or allowing someone in to pass on a message; my dreams often affect me even once the night is over.

Since becoming a mother my imagination has played host to a variety of dreams, mostly ones I wish to forget. They have come in sporadic waves as I get to grips with the many overwhelming emotions and fears that strike the moment the umbilical cord is severed. But the past week has left me inundated with nightmares, each featuring various scenarios involving a separation from my baby. Being forced to give her up for adoption, leaving her somewhere, someone snatching her and so on. I wake up filled with unease, rushing into her room to ensure she is still there and my overactive imagination hasn’t somehow gone all Freddy Kruger on me.

This separation anxiety is haunting me on a daily basis and whether it is a precursor to the fact that come 2013 I will be forced to leave her with a childminder on my return to work, or merely the internal ramblings of a first time mother; I don’t know.

It’s a terrifying love that engulfs you when you become a parent and the idea of not being able to control the world around you in order to protect your most precious possession only exacerbates that terror. Your own flawed humanity comes into play as you make mistakes like forgetting to strap her carseat into the car or burning the vegetables you are preparing for her lunch. Guilt stalks you constantly and perhaps that is what is driving my dreams, my own guilt at my maternal shortcomings?

Maybe my father leaving when I was young has a part to play? Maybe I’ve read too many articles and watched too many films about young children and babies being taken? Maybe I just don’t have enough love for myself to believe I am allowed something so good in my life? Whatever it is, it will most likely take more than a dreamcatcher to appease my imagination.

I just hope that from now on my dreams are sweet, instead of laced with a bitter after taste.


A Novelist in the Making

In It's Only Words on 06/23/2012 at 20:35

As of today my debut novel, ‘Choo or Faux’, is available on Amazon’s Kindle bookstore and I have to admit I’m really rather excited.
Since adding “mummy” to my repertoire, my writerly self has been somewhat sequestered to the back seat. Learning to juggle nappy changes and breastfeeding with my editorial yearnings, proved tougher than I had anticipated.
Struggling in the first few weeks to prioritise activities on the rare and opportune occasion that we were without visitors and the baby was asleep, writing was low on the list behind sleep and reading. In fact anything that warranted even an ounce of energy was abandoned as I desperately attempted to claw back the sleep that had been replaced with feeding, changing and winding.
I soon discovered – with the help of WordPress for iPhone – that I could at least write my blog but anything more than that evaded me. But 17 weeks into mummyhood I realise that it is easy to get lost in those adorable giggles, beautiful blue eyes and seemingly endless supply of baby-centric activities on offer to us. Before I know it, my baby will be attending school… and I don’t even want to think beyond that, but the point is that please g-d she will have her own life, her own dreams, goals and ideas.
And what of mine – I must remind myself not to lose sight of what is important to me – and while the most important is of course my family, my dreams are not far behind.

Have it all…

In It's Only Words on 06/24/2011 at 09:11

Yes. We. Can.

Is it possible to have it all? The job, the guy, the family, the dreams, the clothes, the house… I could go on. In my opinion the answer is ‘yes’.

My motto in life has always been that if you want something done you have to do it yourself. A.K.A. the power is in your hands, and if you want to make something happen then you can. There’s no point in waiting around for answers or solutions or advice to fall into your lap, sure they will pepper your progress but ultimately the core of the ingredients are down to you.

And the main ingredient? Positivity. Following on from my last post, I want to reiterate how important it is to approach everything in life with a positive attitude, because believe me when I say from experience that it honestly can yield the results you want. Believing that you can achieve something – whatever that may be – will more often than not enable that thing to manifest. From realising personal career ambitions to meeting your soul mate to completing a marathon; the more you tell yourself you can do it, the more likely it is that you will.

As you accumulate these elements throughout your life, with each one, those beliefs get stronger. A friend of mine is beginning the process of IVF and with every inevitable concern that crosses her mind I am encouraging her to combat it with a positive thought. Incorporating a positive mantra into her daily routine in order to embed her belief into her consciousness, and taking each bit of the process one step at a time, she is slowly beginning to allow the positivity into her life and believing in it enough for her dreams to come true.

Clouding your mind with negative thoughts subconsciously projects that bad energy into everything you do, so it stands to reason that the opposite is true of positive thinking.

I realise this is starting to sound like a political speech and any minute I’ll come out with the phrase ‘yes I can’ but it’s true – thinking ‘yes’ and ‘I can’ actually works in making the sentiment a reality. Heck, it worked for Barack Obama!! Speaking as someone for whom a positive attitude has undoubtedly enabled me to so far achieve what I wanted – despite the inevitable hardships that come with being a child of divorce and all that entails, and the sibling of a special needs brother – I believe that anything is possible, life is what you make it and if you want it, then go get it.

When I was nine and it felt like my world was falling in – my Dad had moved to the other side of the world and remarried, my Mum was falling to pieces trying to look after a suddenly introverted nine year old and an out of control seven year old whose hyperactivity and tantrums were the least of her problems and the kids in my school used my vulnerability and pain as bullying target practice – my Mum gave me a piece of paper and some coloured pens and told me to right down the following: ‘Today I will wake up and be positive.’ I tacked it onto my mantelpiece facing the end of my bed and every morning I woke up and saw those words. And slowly, I started to believe them.

Today I am happy. Today I am married to the man of my dreams. Today I am sitting at my desk at a job I love. Today I am making plans with my best friends. Today the sun is shining.

Today I woke up and I am positive.

The Doubting Game

In It's Only Words on 06/10/2011 at 09:59

Let the words flow...

Being a writer is never easy. You find yourself constantly wavering between pride, uncertainty and the demon that calls itself doubt as you navigate manuscript drafts, planning, plotting, outlines, synopses and character development. And why do we do it? Acknowledgement. The external recognition and validation that we aren’t just kidding ourselves into believing we can do this, because actually someone else has faith in us too.

Speaking to a friend (she works in HR) last night, it would seem that acknowledgement is a universal need. It’s like the proverbial tree falling in the woods, if no one acknowledges our achievements, our failures, our development – it might as well not have happened. And if we don’t know about them, we certainly can’t do anything to fix the things that have gone wrong, or build on the things we’ve done right.

The life of a writer, in particular, is for the most part a solitary one. We lock ourselves away – both physically and emotionally – into offices, studies, imaginary worlds, our parallel universe, as we try and make sense of a different world that is being created within our minds. Immersing ourselves in research, finding our voice, inhabiting our characters; we do this in order to produce our work to the best of its potential. And we need others to verify that it is indeed, good.

In attendance at Nicola Morgan’s talk on ‘writing to be published’ at Foyles bookstore last week, one person asked about the minefield that is feedback, explaining that he found it harder to take than a visit to the dentist. As writers we know that the only way to improve and reach our potential is to listen to the advice and opinion of others. You may write a secret diary for yourself alone, but ultimately if you are looking for your fiction/non-fiction to be published within the wider world, you must expect to cater to a broad range of tastes. You must also realise that what you’re serving up may whet the appetite of some yet not taste right to others. That is of course not to say that writers must listen to every piece of advice coming their way, no we must learn to tune into the feedback and develop an instinct for knowing when it should or shouldn’t be applied to our work.

Similarly to the acknowledgement that we yearn for throughout our lives – both personally and professionally – our development requires the same in order to prosper and listening (or not listening) to feedback is a key part of that. It is sometimes hard to listen to what others have to say and our reflex may be to ignore or wave it away, or cry and tell ourselves that they’re right and we’re the worst at what we do and all our hopes and dreams may as well be sequestered to the dump for all the good they’re doing us… but the sign of a good writer is one who picks themselves up, stands tall and reaffirms their self-belief that the reason they ever took pen to pad (or fingers to keypad) in the first place is because that is what they were meant to do.

I know that I am meant to be a writer. It is what I have been doing since childhood, from the silly story of school-age twins which I penned at the age of 7 at my grandparents’ Bournemouth flat, to the quirky poetry I constructed from history books to get me through GCSE revision. Writing is the one thing to which I have remained constant – amid the ambitions of vocal stardom and midwifery – and that is why I know that through all the temporary doubts and uncertainties, ultimately I believe in myself and the words I leave in my wake.

My name is Hadassah and I am a writer.

Baby Talk

In It Rhymes!!, It's Only Words on 05/13/2011 at 08:48

FYI – these are just the internal ramblings of my stream of consciousness; not to be taken to heart at this point in time!

Baby, baby, baby...


So I want to have a baby, inside I’m totally ready,
But money stuff etc is making me a bit unsteady.

‘Cause shouldn’t we have a big nest egg languishing in the bank,
To fuel our future family life rather than starting out with an empty tank?

And we haven’t even moved in to our first ever proper home,
No we’re still living with the ‘rents so we only have a room to call our own.

They tell us we’re still so young, why rush the baby thing,
But they also said that when hubs knelt down with an engagement ring.

And look at us now, one year into married bliss with many more ahead,
We both have jobs, are happy, healthy and always exceedingly well fed.

So what’s to stop us trying for the sound of teeny feet,
Perhaps it was fate that at 19 and 20 the two of us should meet.

Reading it seems on a daily basis of the problems that can occur,
Between planning for a family and eventually giving birth.

Surely the younger you are serves you with a greater chance,
Though I realise this leaves less time for things like travel, free time and dance.

But I don’t plan on giving up the dreams and plans to come,
No, with three of us, I’m positive we’re bound to have more fun.

If you tell yourself something’s impossible, then of course that’s what it’ll be,
But if you hold your head high and smile, then the world is your oyster to see.

Together we’ll make things work, with certain sacrifices along the way,
Like not buying expensive clothes or gadgets every other day.

My writing dreams, his business goals, our plans to see the world,
We’ll do them all in the company of our little boy or girl…